Death and divorce top the stress league tables and, in my opinion, buying jeans must be a very close third. The act of purchasing this basic commodity can increase blood pressure, destroy self confidence and cause fitting room rage. I fear the damage to my own health so much that I delay purchasing jeans until my current jeans are well beyond the grunge stage and pose a threat to the nation should the thin denim threads give way.
So why is this task so stressful?
It starts at the rack of jeans. When buying any other garment we simply thumb through the rack, make a few selections and proceed to the fitting rooms. Jeans require one additional step – the body check. This involves examining the size of the zip and/or the number of buttons. The shorter the zip and the fewer the buttons is a warning that the jeans will not fit on anyone with a body. This test can lead to dangerously high blood pressure so I detour to another department and pick up a Make Me Feel Good top.
Then it is time to brave the fitting rooms. While some might find the security of the fitting rooms a problem; I don’t. It doesn’t really phase me that some poor, unsuspecting soul will be exposed to my backside protruding from a curtain. My fitting room problem starts with the mirrors. Fitting room mirrors are surely made by the makers of amusement park mirrors; for they reflect a distorted image of your bottom. Add to this, lighting that has been designed to highlight cellulite, and you have a cocktail for self confidence destruction. To avoid this I try on the Make Me Feel Good top first.
After a few deep breaths (calming as well as stomach flattening) the first jeans are on. The front view looks good. The rear end looks like the back of a Renault Megane. The second pair look good front and back but fail the squat test; underwear exposure. Next pair fails the muffin top test and others are just ugly. No need to panic; this is all normal jeans behaviour. At this stage I like to sort the rejects and fling them out of the fitting room in an attempt to keep the assistant at bay (for her own safety). The next pair looks great until I turn for the rear view; the two back pockets are pointing at fullest part of my bottom like two road hazard signs. What was the designer thinking? These jeans make the Renault Megane style look sexy. My self confidence is plummeting fast and I am no longer rational. I politely offer the remaining jeans to the fitting room assistant and signal that I will take the Make Me Feel Good top.
So with stress now at league table level 3, I go for coffee and assess the possible solutions to the jeans dilemma.
· Fashion industry standards banning all jeans with zips less than 5cm or fewer than 3 buttons.
· Prohibition of mirrors and lights in fitting rooms.
· Government regulations imposing a one pair of jeans limit per fitting session.
· All fitting room assistants equipped with panic alarms.
· Establishment of a National Jeans Crisis Line.
I conclude that without the adoption of such measures there may actually be no alternative but to issue a health warning stating that ‘buying jeans can damage your health’ and I hope that the grunge look is acceptable for a little longer.
